based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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