The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
