After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
