I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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