I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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