No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
