you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
how drunk are you?
Several
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
