6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She is in my trunk
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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