Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
