so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
