i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
