....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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