He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
