if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When did we convert life to cartoon?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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