I'm lost and stupid without you.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
