I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
