Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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