You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
