She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
