***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
