if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
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You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.