And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
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Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.