Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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