It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
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I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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