were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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