i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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