The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
