I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
