btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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