I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
