i already hear my dad disowning me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
