Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
