How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
