I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
