whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
