Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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