Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
