I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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