I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
handjob tips. give me some.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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