Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just found puke in my bra..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
