Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.