also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just google imaged poop.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
"I licked someones beard, because I can."