My sheets look like a crime scene.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina