I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
