Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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