I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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