I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
