Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
