We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
