Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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