I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
