you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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