Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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