I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
