So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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