I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
