i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
