Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
