there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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