I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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