so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
