Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
